Getting into the Valentine’s Spirit

This post has nothing to do with my previous prostitute-themed message.

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I sat off to learn the true meaning of Valentine’s Day. I know, there’s a Charlie Brown Special that could teach me the true meaning of Valentine’s Day, but who can wait for that? I gotta know now!

It turns out that Valentine’s Day is more romantic than I thought. For example, the History Channel explains that in Rome,

“priests would then sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification. Local boys then sliced the goat’s hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goathide strips. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed being touched with the hides because it was believed the strips would make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city’s bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman.”

No shit. Why didn’t I think of that? All that money on flowers and I could have just offed a goat + a dog and then rubbed the bloody flesh on my sweetest. Why doesn’t Hallmark have a card for that?!